galleries.

i've decided that i have never had my heart broken.
after careful thinking and evaluation of past
relationships. i have never given enough of myself to
someone for them to be able to break my heart.
i have never been around someone long enough for
them to know who i am. i am so much more than
three months...six months...nine months.
i am even more than the amount of time derek and i have
been together, but he has given me the opportunities
to show someone, to show him, who i really am
and i have never felt judged.
and i feel like we are both so complex
that we bring so much to each others lives.

i've always thought i had a "heart of stone"
never letting people in, and once they were...
never telling them how i felt about them.

i feel differently now. i don't think that
derek even knows how different i was before him.
i let go of a lot of my past while i've been with
him. and i am happy about that. it's like,
in the past i was a different version of myself.
a guarded version. so becoming more free,
and becoming familiar with another human being
at the same time in the way i have with derek...
well i guess i've grown a lot.


i feel like derek could break my heart if we ever
got into such a situation.
and that scares me really bad.
i trust him so much. i trust him with so much.
he knows things i wouldn't tell anyone else.
he always calms me down. without even saying anything.
this all sounds so mushy. and scary.
i'm scared. of my own feelings.


i mean, i'm not saying things have been
perfect from day one. but we have gotten past
a lot of things. things that brought us down
to a level we don't belong.
we are better than that;
i realize that now.
&i think i can change him sometimes,
and i know that's wrong.
but i just want him to dance with me.
and i just want him to let go like i have been...
i know he has it in him.


i am still scared of the words that so many
people associate with these feelings.
they still get lodged in my throat.
i still can't say them.
i've tried to think of so many ways to say them
without saying them, but it doesn't feel right.
i am pretty sure he knows i feel without words.
i just feel sometimes like i will regret not
saying them someday. or not saying them sooner.
i hate words sometimes.
well, what if i feel like it's bigger than those words?
that other girls have said those words to him.
that we hear them so often that they don't mean
as much to me as he does.



i am emotional and will regret writing all of this.
not that i don't mean it all, just that i don't like
laying everything out like this. but it's okay. for now.