lullaby.

i was sleeping fine last night then
when derek came in i woke up, and
for some reason everything was making me cry.
the music. the thoughts. especially the thoughts.
it's hard to think about anything without crying.
except riding.

i was mostly thinking about something that
happened with my mom and dad when i was younger.
don't want to put much detail on here but...
i realize now how unhappy they were.
how unhappy they might be now.
i remember them fighting occasionally.

my dad is a good person.

my mom almost in a way, turned us against our dad.
she gave us everything we could ever ask for
knowing that he wouldn't. so when he said no
it was all "I HATE YOU."
we were raised to be brats. that's all there is to it.
whether she did it intentionally, i'm not sure.
or maybe she just needed the attention.
but now i think about how alone my dad must have felt.
what more could he give us?

when i was little, a tool belt was enough.
i was a daddy's girl, i built things with him
in his workshop, i played baseball with him.
i loved my toolbelt.i loved baseball.

then when i was a teenager, i quit baseball.
my grades sucked. i didn't care. i still got whatever i wanted.
i have never been grounded or spanked and very seldom
yelled at in my life.
my dad never yelled. ever. and i get that from him.
i have his patience, and his let things happen attitude.
i am actually very very grateful for that.

my dad and i are closer now. but he is retired
and lives with my mom and brothers out in nowhere.
and i feel like he probably feels very alone again.
or maybe it never stopped.
my mom wasn't talking to him for a couple days,
probably over something stupid.
and my brothers are at the age where they are too cool
to hang with their dad.
i can see that he has been finding odd jobs to do and stuff
probably to stop him from being alone.

and when he calls, i can tell he doesn't want to
hang up. he just needs someone to ask him how
his day was. because at his home, nobody cares.


my mom is not a bad person.
she has had a hard life as a parent.
4 kids and both parents worked full time.

the anger and sadness, though;
it started when one of her patients died.
the baby lived, she didn't.
my mom sent the grandparents christmas cards,
and received pictures of the baby.
the girl who had the baby
was my age at the time. very young.
so that cut my mom very deep.
and she wouldn't tell me what the scariest
thing that ever happened to her was,
but i am willing to bet that was it.

i love my mom so much but no matter what
i do, it's not enough to bring her out
of her slump. it's been too long at this point,
by now it is her way of thinking.

the biggest hit, and what makes me cry
is what i do not want to put on the
internet. i try to talk to my sister
about it, but she says to forget it.
i can't. it still hurts.
my mom should not have told me it happened,
but she wanted me to hate my dad.

staying together "for the kids" is not
always the safe route, i guess.


i love my parents i just wish
that they could love each other.

-mints.