four letter words.

you know i really don't know
how to tell if i am in love.
how do you tell if you are in love?

a part of me tells me who and how hard
i have loved in the past.
but then i look back and say to myself;
"that could have been so much better"
and i don't want that to be what love is.
so i tell myself it wasn't love.

so,maybe i did this to myself.

because;
another side of me tells me i have no idea
what love is.
i don't know what it feels like,
it confuses me,
when i think about it, my heart
goes in two directions.
i don't know how to tell.
it scares me.
how does it feel when you lose it?
i think maybe i am trying
to live up to what i see around me.
like, what i have thought to have been love
has never ended as tragically as it "should"
maybe i just have good coping mechanisms...
maybe i move on easily.
but i don't think love should be that way.

it almost feels foreign sometimes,
like if i tried to, i couldn't even pronounce it.

language is so restricting. if you think about it.
especially when it comes to words like love.
why do they mean so much to us?
someone says love and everybody starts swooning.

i tell myself i don't want to be in love.
that i don't need it.
but sometimes i get a flicker of what
it really might feel like, and i want something bigger.
i want the whole thing.
like a piece of flint hits my little heart of stone
just sparks.
and i guess i am still waiting for the fire.




-mints.